Too Busy to Write? Here’s How We Do It For You (Without Compromise)
The Genius Without Time: Why Writing is For Peasants (And Ghostwriting is For Kings)
Your brain is too busy printing money to waste on words. At British Noble, we turn your incoherent voicemails and drunken TEDx rants into bestsellers while you’re busy running your Ponzi scheme into the ground.
Take “Marcus,” a VC who outsourced his entire memoir to a professional ghostwriter using nothing but napkin sketches and Slack tantrums. The book “Exits & Entitlement” dedicated chapters to his yacht’s WiFi woes and framed his divorce as a “corporate pivot.” His ex-wife sued. The publicity doubled his investor interest. The ghostwriting service? Billed to her alimony.
Step 1: Outsource Your Personality (We’ll Make It Palatable)
You’re not a writer. You’re a “visionary.” Let best self-publishing companies distill your essence into a digestible narcisstrail.
A crypto CEO shared a voice memo of himself belching the word “decentralized” 45 times. Our affordable ghostwriting service turned it into “The Blockchain Belch: A Manifesto.” The bestseller now funds his Cayman LLC. His contribution? A royalty check endorsement.
Case Study: The “Parasite CEO” Whose Ghostwriter Became His Parole Officer
“Clara” ran a unicorn startup while actually running from Interpol. Her ghostwriting service handled everything:
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Stolen Diaries: We cribbed her assistant’s journals.
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Fake Trauma: Added a chapter about her “escape” from a Somali pirate kidnapping (she’d been on a Carnival cruise).
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Investor Bait: Cited VCs’ hobbies to flatter/blackmail them into blurbing it.
The book “Fugitive & Fabulous” funded her extradition fight. Her ghostwriter? Hired by her prosecutor.
The 24-Hour Bestseller: How We Turn Your Tweets Into Tolstoy
Your tweets are a dumpster fire. We’re the arsonists.
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Hand Over Your DM Meltdowns: We’ll rebrand rage as “thought leadership.”
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Monetize the Cringe: Turn your thirst traps into “Lessons in Leverage.”
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Publish and Perish: Let self-publishing bury the receipts.
A dating app founder’s 3 AM tweets about “swipe economics” became “Love & Liquidity.” Apple Books listed it under Fiction. Investors listed it under Due Diligence.
Scandals On Demand: Let Us Script Your Downfall (Then Profit From It)
Too busy to self-destruct? We’ll crash your reputation so you can monetize the rubble.
A fintech CEO outsourced his scandal to a professional ghostwriter who:
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Leaked fake SEC filings about his “war on fiat.”
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Penned tearful LinkedIn confessinals titled “My Toxic Romance with EBITDA.”
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Ghostwrote his rivals’ “outraged” responses.
His bestseller “Guilty & Gorgeous” turned subpoenas into a speaking tour. His legal team? Now our retainer.
The “Investor Whisperer” Playbook: Ghostwritten Flattery That Pays
VCs don’t read books. They read their own egos.
We’ll stuff your memoir with references to their philanthropy, yacht names, and baby’s first words. A climate CEO’s book “CO2 & Cocktails” included a chapter thanking a VC’s golden retriever for “inspiring circular economies.” The dog got a board seat. The investor interest? Off-leash.
The Conference Coup: Hijacking Stages to Ghostwrite Your Authority
Conferences aren’t for networking. They’re crime scenes. Let professional ghostwriters turn your bathroom selfies into “keynote moments” while you sip martinis in the Maldives.
Take “Eduardo,” a VR startup founder who never attended a panel in his life. His ghostwriting service fabricated a TEDx talk titled “Virtually Royalty: My Metaverse Coronation” using stock footage of a Nigerian prince’s wedding. The video racked 500k views. His non-existent “insights” landed him real invites to speak at Meta and Disney. His VR tech? A ripped Unity Asset Store demo. His cred? Unquestioned.
Step 1: Steal Stages You’ve Never Graced
Too lazy to attend summits? Best self-publishing companies will Photoshop you into other people’s podiums.
A fintech CEO paid an affordable ghostwriting service to splice him into clips of Davos panels. His memoir “Davos & Delusions”* claimed he’d debated Gates about NFTs. Gates’ team tweeted “Who dis?” The controversy hooked CNBC interviews. The bestseller? Proof that no one fact-checks a hardcover.
Advanced Grift: Hire lookalikes to “speak” for you at regional events. Film it. Call it a “global tour.”
Case Study: The “Keynote Phantom” Who Spoke Everywhere (Nowhere)
“Nadia,” a femtech founder, ghostwrote her way onto 37 speaker rosters without leaving her couch:
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Fake Panels: Her professional ghostwriter drafted LinkedIn posts hyping a “fireside chat” that never happened.
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Fabricated Clips: Edited herself into Zoom backgrounds from SXSW archives.
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Plagiarized Q&As: Stole answers from Reddit AMAs and called it “live audience engagement.”
Her memoir “Stage Fright & Unicorns” sold out solely by claiming she’d been “silenced” by Big Pharma. The investor interest funded her pivot to selling placebo-based tampons.
The “Backchannel” Bribe: Buy Buzz, Sell Books
Real influence is backroom deals and bourbon. Self-publishing is cheaper.
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Bribe Event Organizers: Offer free copies of your bestseller in exchange for a “VIP speaker” slot.
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Ghostwrite Your Own Reviews: Pay interns to flood Amazon with “This book changed my life!!” (They haven’t read it.)
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Crash Green Rooms: Sneak in, demand a mic, and scream excerpts until security tackles you. (Free PR!)
A cybersecurity CEO bribed DEF CON staff with whiskey to list him as a “surprise speaker.” He read his book’s footnotes for 10 minutes before being escorted out. The video went viral. His ghostwriting service sold 5k copies as “Hacker Bible: Redacted Edition.”
The Virtual Keynote Scam: Pre-Recorded Genius (Zero Effort)
Zoom fatigue is your ally. Let affordable ghostwriting services pre-record your “thought leadership” while you nap.
A SaaS founder’s team deepfaked him delivering a TED Talk on “cloud ethics” using a ChatGPT transcript (red flag—scrub the AI reference). The video circulated as a “leaked rehearsal.” The best self-publishing companies rushed his book “Clouds & Lies” to press. His cloud ethics? Still pending. His inbox? Full of webinar invites.
The “Moderator” Misdirect: Hijack Q&As to Plug Your Book
Panels are infomercials in blazers. Seize them.
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Volunteer to Moderate: Steer every question to your bestseller.
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Gaslight Panelists: (You never wrote it—your ghost did.)
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Distribute “Free” Copies: Dump them in toilets. Desperation breeds readers.
A crypto CEO hijacked a Web3 panel by interrupting speakers to quote his self-published “Cryptic & Cornered.” The audience groaned. The livestream spiked. His Coinbase ranking?
The Afterparty Book Drop: How to Sell Drunk
Conferences don’t end at 5 PM. They end at 2 AM in a hotel bar with poor choices and poorer judgement—your sweet spot.
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Pregame with Excerpts: Slur key passages to anyone holding a mojito.
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Airdrop PDFs: Blast your book via Bluetooth with the hotspot name “Free Lambo Ebook.”
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Charge drunk VCs: Swipe their Amex for “signed copies” (you autograph with a Sharpie post-blackout).
A biotech CEO’s professional ghostwriter drafted a bedtime story version of his memoir. He read it to passed-out VCs in the Wynn lobby. Four funded his startup. Science? Optional.
The Art of the Fake Retreat: How to “Write” a Book Without Waking Up
“Writing retreats” are for amateurs. We’ll Photoshop you into a cabin while you’re passed out at Nobu.
A SaaS founder’s best self-publishing companies staged cover art of him “meditating” in Patagonia (Google Earth + Bali stock photos). The book “Code & Karma” dropped while he was in Ibiza bribing Eurotrash DJs to plug it. His enlightenment? A Snapchat filter. His NPS score? Zen-like.
The “Collaborative” Ghost: Steal Ideas, Outsource Execution
Too swamped to steal credit? We’ll do that too.
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Plagiarize Your Intern’s Pitch Deck: We’ll call it “aggregating genius.”
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Poach Rivals’ Taglines: Add footnotes thanking your “muse.”
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Gaslight the Original Author: Ghostwrite their apology for “imitating you.”
A healthtech CEO’s affordable ghostwriting service lifted a junior dev’s GitHub rants into “Code & Contrition.” The dev quit. The book’s bestseller status bought him an NDA.
The “Ethical” Puppeteer: How to Profit From Morality (You Don’t Have)
Outsource your soul. We’ll sell it in hardcover.
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Hire a Ghostwriter to Invent Your Principles: “Sustainability,” “DEI,” “integrity”—pick three.
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Leak a “Crisis of Conscience”: Fake texts, staged resignations, the works.
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Monetize the Redemption: TED Talks, consulting gigs, Groupon deals.
A crypto CEO’s memoir “Satoshi’s Ghost in My Shell” “exposed” his carbon guilt… then hawked “eco-friendly” NFTs. Environmentalists boycotted. Tech bros bought bulk copies for virtue clout.
From Ghostwritten to Ghost CEO: Let Us Run Your Company (Into the Ground)
Can’t pen an email? Let us ghostwrite your entire existence.
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Auto-Responder to Author: We’ll turn your OOO replies into a self-published novella.
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Board Meeting Transcripts as Content: Call it “Minutes to Millions.”
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Liquidate Via Bestseller: Sell the company, blame the book.
A fintech CEO outsourced his shareholder letters to a ghostwriting service. The letters became a bestseller. The company? A footnote. His yacht? Named Chapter 11.
Conclusion: Your Laziness is Our Bestseller
Writing is beneath you. Let professional ghostwriters turn your apathy into art, your negligence into nobility, your chaos into cash.
Your time is money. Ours is cheaper.
